A post not so much about running...

I went running last Thursday. I think I ran about 2 miles total, since I ran to meet Annie, and then she and I ran together. Then, Steve and I walked home with the dogs. The run was difficult, but the company was sweet, and the time walking with Steve and the dogs much appreciated (even if Trumond can't be worn out... he just can't).

Life has been a whirlwind of late, with a trial that ramped up and was barreling full steam ahead and then all of a sudden, went away for a six-week postponement. I am not looking forward to mid-late March, knowing I have to get ramped up again.

The last three months have led to tremendous upheaval in my life, and I have not felt like talking about it, or really even acknowledging it until now. Even now, I guess I don't want to. I suppose I will just say that I feel like I am going through the motions at work, at church, in my family. I seem to be lacking spark, joy, passion; a pawn in a not-so-grand scheme. I am not excited about running (although I do like the idea of running); I find myself asking the question: Do I REALLY believe this seemingly far-fetched fairy tale story that is the Bible, and feeling (for the first time in over 15 years) like I am unable to give a definitive answer; I rarely see my husband, and when I do, we talk more about the logistics of our lives than the meaning of them. It is all very unsettling.

I wonder why my opponents are so abnormally unreasonable lately, why the neighbor is passive aggressive and leaves nastigrams instead of coming to speak with us about why he has a problem with where our friends park their cars, why the timing never seems right to sell our house in Eugene, why God has seen fit for me to be without a child, why the dog won't walk properly on a leash, and why I can't seem to do anything dependably except to be undependable. I am in a place of unanswered questions, and all I really want is some peace from it. Real peace. Not the peace of distraction, or exercise, or sleep. Until that arrives, however, I guess I will just have to settle for sleep.